Hang in there Baby!

So we're not back to square one, but pretty close. Last week's permission to start to ease into running again was NOT successful. After giving it two separate trys, the walk/jog was just too painful and no matter how much I chanted "No pain, no gain," I just couldn't do it. The entire week saw my ankle and tendons aching and me wishing that I had waited longer.

Today I saw the Physio Therapist, and now I'm back in an ankle support with limited use, and a slow release anti-inflammatory for the next 10 days. Given the fact that I've gained almost a pound a week since the injury, I suppose I'll also be adding another couple of pounds before this is all over.

I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I feel like my runner identity is slowly slipping away. It feels as if I am losing the control that I had over my life, my weight and my sense of well being. Running did so much for me and honestly, without it I feel sort of lost.

I'm not by nature an optimistic person, more "the glass is half empty" type of gal. But I've learned over the years how to channel some of my negative energy into a more constructive focus, and to do the work to "reframe" situations to see the positive. However, right now I seem to be struggling with this work and it's a very big challenge to keep myself motivated and hopeful. I don't want this situation, this injury, to defeat me - I'm just running out of the energy it seems to take to keep it up.

I know that some day I'll run again, and I also know that some day is sooner than my worst nightmare. It may not be right around the corner, but if I keep my head up I know I'll see it soon.

I just gotta keep chanting "Hang in there Baby!"

No Pain, No Gain?

Peroneal Tendinopathy. That's what I'm suffering from now.

I am now 5 1/2 weeks post injury and my ankle (and area) is not fully recovered. In fact, sometimes I feel like it is as bad as the first day. (Okay, so that's not true.) Whereas before it appeared that I had a stress fracture, my PT now believes that it's just a very bad case of Peroneal Tendinopathy. All I know is that the pain pretty much moves around my ankle, and sometimes up my leg, and frustrates me beyond all else. Some days it's not that bad at all, and then the next minute, it's as if I re-injured it and I'm back to square one.

Today the PT told me that now I'm at a place in my recovery where she could say to rest the ankle, or to start and work it. All the pain I'm feeling now, is good pain. Can ya believe that?!? So.... she gave the go ahead to start and run, hmm, read jog. 2 minutes walk, 1 minute jog. Well now there is pain, and there is real pain. The walking part was fine. Even at 6 km and a 6% incline - not really a problem. As soon as I added in the 1 min jog (at 8 km) I felt the pain in my tendon so badly... OMG - this is good pain?

I managed 10 sets of 2 min walk, 1 min jog and couldn't wait to get off that darn treadmill. I soaked in a hot tub and slathered on anti-inflammatory cream. Now - it hurts, but much less than when my foot was actually striking during my jog. As much as I love running, I am NOT looking forward to tomorrows session.

When the injury first happened I was so upset and my pain was magnified by the possibility that I wouldn't be able to run for 6 weeks. Now as I've almost reached that 6 week mark, and I see that my recovery is going to be much longer than the initial assessment, I'm feeling quite dejected. It's a big statement to say that "I'm never going to run again," but that's pretty much the way I feel.

So now, I need to turn this around and look for the positives. Every day there is a tiny improvement, and I know that I should be embracing those small victories and using that progress to measure my recovery. I can't seem to do that - yet - but I do know that's the route I'm going to have to take in order to make it out of this place.

Tomorrow, when I get back on that treadmill to do my ten sets, I know it's going to hurt - and maybe my PT is right. It's a good pain that is hopefully going to pave the way to a pain free run.

Hold On

Finally, some light at the end of a long tunnel - okay, well a 4 1/2 week tunnel. That's when I quite out of the blue injured myself on my long run. Just running along at km 7 when I felt a little nip in my left ankle bone. You know, the kind of thing you feel like you can just shake off. A few steps more, and I felt a bit of tension just above the bone, again, feeling like I could just wiggle my ankle and brush it off. Three or four more steps and I stopped. Ah, just push through it, that was my first thought. And walked a bit. Nope. And with extreme heaviness I realized that something was really wrong here. I called my husband - come pick me up.

Stress fracture. What the heck? How did that happen?

Disappointment doesn't come close to how I felt. It was something deeper. Maybe it was shock. I don't know. I only knew that this was going to be a problem for me. Not to run. When I only just got it back?

6 weeks. That was the prognosis as I returned to the PT with the x-ray. I thought back then that I would never get through all the weeks. It was not a supporting bone, so while I could technically walk, I couldn't have anything touch the ankle bone or turn my ankle in any way to stretch the ligaments. Ouch. Then came the sympathy pain. It seems that the rest of the ligaments in my ankle and lower leg decided to get in on the action. Not amused.

But here I am now. With the go ahead to exercise the ankle and do some treadmill walking. NOT speed walking, just walking. That and some rehab work. And if truth be told - the rest has really helped to heal my ankle and the walking and exercises are showing me an improvement everyday.

While my PT is not God, she does forecast that I should be able to jump on the trampoline next week, and after that, well maybe some very light jogging.

I almost feel like I did when the HM was approaching and I would get nervous and anxious about the race. I am eager and anxious for the day to come to go back to my passion.

I really love to run. Hold On.